Exclusive: The new Council Bonfire Code
– a 15-point plan (First Draft) Autumn is the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness and lobbing things on the bonfire. Grumpy Garden.com has obtained a first draft of the Council Bonfire Guide. We should emphasise that this looks like it’s a very rough draft and that whoever was writing it, got a bit bored towards the end…
[Caption: The perfect trajectory - straight over the fence and next door]
1. Before lighting a bonfire, check that it is clear of hedgehogs that might have built a nest within. Also roosting bats, frogs, toads, newts, grass snakes, dormice and miniature tortoises.
2. Only light a bonfire when wind speed falls below the recommended 1 metre-per-second minimising your smoke drift and smoke drift tail.
3. Bonfires must be 25 metres (78.6 feet) from the nearest house, 15 metres from a shed, 8 metres from a fence and 5 metres from a gazebo or sundry wooden or flammable garden structure, such as a wooden bench or charming glassfibre animal.
4. Never light a bonfire when there is a Meteorological Office warning of poor air quality.
5. If you are planning to burn more than 3 cubic metres of organic material please contact the council and fill in form BS7435 two weeks before.
6. Make sure your bonfire contains no plastics, such as compost bags, that may combust producing noxious fumes.
7. Remember to bring along a pair of sturdy gloves and wear at all times.
8. Equip yourself with a robust stick for administering prods to the bonfire if necessary and to redistribute ‘bonfire material’ if the combustion becomes sub-optimal.
9. Use Safety Matches to light your bonfire. These differ from danger matches in that they seldom if ever light and never when atmospherically damp.
10. Please note it is illegal to smoke three plants with poisonous leaves or fruits in one bonfire, such as laburnum, oleander or deadly nightshade.
11. It is illegal to smoke cannabis.
12. Do not use fire lighters to start a bonfire. That’s just cheating.
13. Don’t sit on a bonfire to warm your bottom – no matter how cold you are.
14. It is illegal to use your bonfire to send Iroquois smoke signals with messages such as “ _____ the council”
15. Never embed fireworks in your neighbour’s bonfire, no matter how big a t_____r he is.
2014.
